If you’ve been keeping up with the Donny Long case and wonder what he’s been up to lately, well, you’re going to love today’s update.
“The Jail Is Literally Trying to Have Me Killed”
And Other Completely Normal Things Donny Long, a former male performer now a Florida inmate, is Filing From His Cell
There are jailhouse lawyers. Then there’s Donny Long.
The former adult film performer better known as Donny Long has apparently decided that if you’re going to represent yourself, you might as well represent yourself against absolutely everyone.
While sitting inside the Osceola County Jail, Donny Long has been assembling what can only be described as the Marvel Cinematic Universe of pro se litigation. His latest federal filings stretch well over 200 pages and read less like a lawsuit and more like someone dumped Facebook, Reddit, InfoWars, and a stack of legal pads into a blender.
The defendant list alone deserves its own exhibit.
- Donald Trump.
- Ron DeSantis.
- Casey DeSantis.
- James Uthmeier.
- Elon Musk.
- Joe Rogan.
- CNN.
- Fox News.
- The New York Times.
- Stormy Daniels.
- Ghislaine Maxwell.
- Judicial Watch.
- Project Veritas.
- Alex Jones.
- Tesla.
- The FBI.
- The Department of Justice.
- Various jail officials.
- Various local officials.
- Various former sheriffs.
- Several adult performers.
And enough additional names that eventually you stop reading and simply assume he’s working alphabetically.
But the newest filing is where things really take a turn.
It opens, in bold capital letters, with what can only be described as the legal equivalent of kicking open the courtroom doors while carrying a folding chair:
“NOW THE OSCEOLA COUNTY JAIL IS LITERALLY TRYING TO HAVE ME KILLED!”
Subtle.
According to Donny Long’s sworn statement, jail staff confiscated his tablet while he was conducting legal research, then assigned him a cellmate whom he describes as a face-tattooed gang member suffering from schizophrenia. He says he refused the assignment, officers handcuffed him anyway, and the inmate is now talking to himself and laughing out loud.
Most people would stop the story there.
Donny Long, however, sees opportunity.
By the end of the statement, he casually informs everyone that his new cellmate will now become a witness in his lawsuits.
Problem solved.
The filing somehow transforms “I’m afraid for my safety” into “Congratulations, you’ve just been promoted to Exhibit C.”
He also claims the jail has kept him in administrative confinement, interfered with his access to legal materials, taken away his tablet during legal research, and continued violating a court order regarding his personal legal documents.
Now, to be fair, there actually is a court order directing correctional officials to release his personal notes and legal documents upon request. That order exists. Judge Tom Young signed it.
The comedy arrives immediately afterward.
According to Donny Long, even receiving the documents somehow became further evidence of the conspiracy against him.
It’s the legal equivalent of ordering a pizza, having it delivered, and then accusing the delivery driver of participating in an international cover-up because the pepperoni wasn’t arranged correctly.
His filings operate on a fascinating principle.
Every event, regardless of outcome, confirms the theory.
Lose? Proof of corruption.
Win? Also proof of corruption.
Judge signs an order in your favor? Believe it or not, still corruption.
It’s almost impossible to falsify because every possible outcome somehow advances the plot.
The filings repeatedly allege an enormous RICO conspiracy involving politicians, prosecutors, judges, jail officials, journalists, media organizations, podcasters, and pretty much anyone who has ever appeared on cable television. The stated motive shifts between protecting his children, silencing him, retaliating against his political views, covering up alleged crimes, and preventing him from exposing the truth.
At one point, he even labels correspondence with the subject line:
“Legal Intent to Sue Further… 666.”
Because apparently every good legal demand letter benefits from a little biblical branding.
Reading these documents is an experience. They aren’t motions so much as extended internal monologues that accidentally wandered into the court record.
Every paragraph introduces a new villain. Every page raises the stakes. Every solution somehow creates three additional conspiracies.
It’s less Federal Rules of Civil Procedure and more Previously on Donny Long…
And perhaps that’s the most remarkable part. Most inmates spend their time trying to stay out of trouble. Donny Long is apparently trying to expand the cast list. Some people collect baseball cards. Some collect stamps. Donny Long appears to collect defendants.
At this rate, the only people who haven’t been accused of participating in the conspiracy are the guy delivering commissary and the prison librarian.
Although, judging by the pace of these filings, I’d advise them not to get too comfortable.
Donny Long signs his official filing as “Donald Carlos Seoana, FKA DonnyLong FKA Donald Trunk”. That’s in addition to the other page where he identifies himself as “EX-PORNSTAR GOVERNOR CANDIDATE POLITICAL PRISONER DAD DONNY LONG”
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